To Be More Specific...

But getting back to that lack of confidence, perhaps my greatest block to confidence has been my ADHD. Despite all I just wrote, quite a bit of it was just run-on abstractness, and this is a continual result of the fuzz quite often induced by this predominate mental issue. Perhaps I've been doing so well lately due to a lack of papers to write, or at least that the ones I've had to write have been extremely straight-forward with very particular conventions to follow. Lately, I've just been able to memorize incredible amounts of information last minute, which I've very good at, and this has obviously been very successful for me :-D. Its frustrating that I'm in the perfect mood that write after these intense study session, the rest of the time I have to hope that I'm in just the right mood to get it done. At least I have some victory in some way: for a while moving forth in any way had been a struggle for me, especially as anxiety further riled up the white noise soundly loudly in my head. It seems that I either have to do some extreme intellectual intake prior to each writing, or hope for divine inspiration to bring me there. These same ADHD-induced issues has been frustrating in terms of being mindful of the important ways in which to live that would ultimately combat the problems in the first place, Gah! it's a frustrating cycle, and concerning that I have to either always be on top of myself or I drift in every which direction when things become a bit too hectic.
I'm also aware that, in many ways, things have gotten better simply due to scattered discipline and gradual streamlining of mind. I hate to think, however, that a personal statement be part of this improvement, but rather the endpoint in a process that has gotten me where I'd want to be (though lately I've definitely slipped backward a bit). This attitude, however, applied to even the smallest assignments has certainly been some of my BIGGEST issues. Overriding it all is my obsession over certain things, and obsession always clouds the mind. So I figure, again going with some fragmented idea of inspiration and fate, that if becoming a biology teacher was meant to be, this would SOMEHOW get done through sufficient motivation, and otherwise it would not and I would just go out blindly into the world and hope someone would have me. Fear, as always, would prevent the latter, which of course opens one to more excitement and possibilities, but also to risk or something quite deplorable as well...
But anyway, one of my passengers on the AVS van, who likes me a great deal and I've gotten to know (and vice versa) very well over the past 5 and a half years, has connections with someone who runs the program I'd apply to. This kind of ties me down to at least applying and doing my part since she had been nice enough to help. I now owe her this much. And, I wonder, is this just the Universe's way of giving me a push forward, which consequently I've been awaiting this whole time?
It's probably silly to think so...
But anyway, nothing in life has to be final, perhaps not even death: everything is constantly changing and evolving, so it seems this stage in my life demands at least this much of me, in the years to come, who really knows?
I really need to meditate and to read, get my mind completely into shape,
but of course to so I can direct everything as I might will it
in fact, as it very evident here, I don't even know what that would involve.
So I need to clarify so that I might step where is appropriate: not in accordance with a plan set forth my myself (certainly nothing one foresees can always go exactly in that way), or as society would want me (though I hope some of what I do can bring increase in the "greater good"), or even according to some ridiculous "will of god," but just to go where I would naturally, with the hope that some of what I've discovered lately is accurate and that there is a natural direction of this, that being toward the congregation of all (once again, as this was truly the original state of ALL) in love.