I feel like I've hit my lowest point. Looking on it might now seem so, especially if one were around three years ago when Jess and I separated from being engaged, I moved out of my apartment, was dismissed from school, failed the class I took that summer, and lost my promotion as coordinator... yea that was rough, and the year that followed I definitely consider the one most devoid of positive progress, life, and light. In contrast, things have been very stable lately: I finally graduated with two majors and over a 3.0 GPA, did well in a chem lab class: up until recently both words constituting it's name have individually led me to much frustration and anxiety (beginning with skipping chem labs back in my first year), my relationship with Jess has been fun, rewarding (p90x! , biking, awesome gaming!), and full of love and respect, my parents ... well they haven't been too intrusive and have dealt well with my occasional appearances and brief explanations of my whereabouts, and I have some real friendships and a lot of potential one's forming at work. In contrast with that time three years ago things have been pretty damn great. The problem is, and reason why this is potentially one of the great lows comparable to that time is not any of the aforementioned elements, but rather that that very stability cannot persist if I'm to grow and prosper.
Most obviously, I've graduated and I have to discontinue my college job. Which I've been working on ... well moderately at best and the effort didn't even gather strength until less than a month ago, at which time my class just began. Most of this has focused on research assistant jobs in and around wine country so I can prepare for grad school and discover if my wine passion is worth studying and taking to the next level. Next, Jess starts a job in Boston on Monday. She's scared, disappointed with herself and school, and is running to her aunt up there for something different. So even if I get my ideal situation in California, she, my greatest of all passions will be all the way on the other side of the country. I have this fantastic idea that she'll run off with me out there after some time of me weathering through transpo, her working her Boston dog job, and me finally getting a job that can support the two of us while she finishes school, but there's no saying that'll happen. In fact, despite how I feel, there's always the crazy possibility that tomorrow I'll get accepted for just that job, she applies and gets a job out in California, and we run off out there together next week! This, of course, would characterize the highest point of my past 6 years, but this is a very improbable outcome with where things are going at the moment. I wonder how much of (putting aside even my personal success) our ending up together in the end is pure luck, or you might even evoke fate in determining it's outcome versus anything I might ultimately be able to control. Yes, the improbable could happen in the next couple days, but if it doesn't, perhaps the course has been run, we got all we could from this venture, and it's time to move on.
It's funny, actually, how the idea of destiny has steered my past ... Jesus.... 8 years now. I had the strong feeling, a God-given "his will and meant for me because she's my soulmate" feeling about I and Jessica, but perhaps at the same time we would not have gone this far and learned so much with and through each other if not for that feeling. I still hold to it despite how dull and jaded the time in my life three years ago has left me. I'm still recovering, and part of the reason why this represents a low-point despite all the inherent points of light is the lack of life and overall passion for anything at this point. I could, honestly, ride comfortably like this forever, and I would not be one bit happy with myself. The last time I felt this was was ... well ... when I met Jess and she certainly shook me free from that and into some of the most fulfilling and passionate moments of my life. So this is definitely one of those points again. Whether that means the end of our relationship, or it's redefinition on a different stage as part of a last-minute adventure off to the other side of the country to, pioneer style, set up a new life full of opportunity and prosperity!!! ... lol well that's to be seen. What's especially troubling is how I know the kind of life I should be living, and yet this comfort keeps me constantly from realizing it. Of course, i think this is troubling for the American population in general: with the internet, computers, and hand-held devices that deliver just about anything instantly, instant gratification at the level that some past christian writers might have a heart attack over and be standing at every street corner decrying, and even things that should require the patient saving away of money to purchase can be obtained illegally (yea i do it too often). It's dulled the population, kept us constantly entertained, occupied, feeling like we're accomplishing something worthwhile, and just overall stimulated so that we're blind to the injustices in the world around us and numb to the gentle hints of where life would have us go next...
But back to passion. With all the... well they were much stronger convictions than simple hints at the time ... just feeling and knowing as being more true than anything else in my life that Jess and I were meant to be together and would prosper best if we were to go through life together, I'm left with her and her well-being and success as my greatest passion above all else. It's easy to see how she might have her doubts and would be less than unimpressed with how this life together has impacted her personal outcome. Regardless I feel the best is yet to come ... She has always been a HUGE catalyst for me and despite going into college as a neochristian with eastern philosophical sentiments sewed together from scraps borrowed from varied and not all accurate sources, I leave it being more ... well not more tied to reality than otherwise, but with the tools that would be necessary to truly live a full human existence. I think my biggest problem is having too many passions, and my anxious ADHD mind would rather focus on one thing at a time, and freezes and reaches for mindlessness rather than positive self-fulfilling effort when faced with too many aspirations at once. I'm passionate about the banjo, the computer, easter philosophy, technology (aside from the computer this would be peripherals such as MP3 players and phones), photography for a spell, scientific readings in physics and cognition, and most recently the ukulele. Some of the most prolific contributors to any of the arts or sciences has either been very good at managing their time and balancing various interests/passions/duties at once, or they put their all into the once thing that above all else gave them the greatest sense of personal fulfillment and joy in life, which for me has been Jess (and she can tell you I've done an amazing job at that). Bela Fleck spent every moment playing the banjo from the first time he heard it through high school and college, skipping classes just to play. And the "Bring the Thunder" wine reviewer used to be so passionate about the drink that he would stuff worn socks, among a vast range of other flavored objects/foods into his mouth to train his palate perfectly. With my ADHD, I either need to wrangle my mind under control and make the time for all the many little passions I hold important, or focus most strongly on one (or two?), which is most easiest and natural for someone afflicted with the disorder to do (God I find it so hard to surrender to that, but damn it's better than spinning around in the breeze never making my own waves...)
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