Personal Statement

This post will certainly be a deviation from my usual: for the most part writing in this thing has corresponded with certain highs and lows in my life. Mostly lows, I have felt compelled to transcribe my feelings, many of which I have found too intense to share with those closest with me, especially my receptive, yet sensitive Jessica with whom I would feel most compelled to share every part of me with (though unfortunately this has been impossible when concerning some of the darkest corners of my mind). Also, this has been the place to express those ridiculously overdone moments of self-discovery and determination that, while short-lived and obviously more sound and fury than the moving of mountains, have nevertheless been important small nudges forward to becoming something greater (if that statement itself could even hold any meaning). But now, I finally interject thoughts, yearnings, and hopes out into the digital chaos not out of frustration, though certainly on my way to this point, nor out of inspiration, though I suppose my ultimately goal is to com across some buried deep within the reaches of my mind along the way.
Today I write here because I am being faced with a task, a simple task in theory, but one that is monumental in light of my continual attempt to tie every little expression and lesson into the grander idea of my struggle to find meaning in life, to live it, and to avoid all those false mental constructs of what is worthwhile, as well as defining constituents that become so due to wild passions that drag me far adrift for anything that I should want to be and disturb the waters of my thought and ripples of action within my life. So, in conclusion, by now it should be clear why it is soo damn hard for me to start this simple personal statement for grad school. Most likely due here is an explanation of in which direction the small ship of my life is floating (God let's hope I avoid meaningless metaphors in my actual statement lol). Though it has been a few years in the making, it has been a struggle to make the decision to finalize my education with a Masters in Secondary education and certification to teach biology. This path is a large part of the reason why I picked up the second major in biology (along with my recent passion in wine), and though I never let myself fully accept it, I've more or less assumed that this was where I'd be going next. As far as continued education it makes sense: school in general has been so very taxing on me that it's hard to imagine going to school for two to four up to five or six more years. I very obviously need a break...and soon. Preparation to teach would be only a year-long program, I'd have summers off to explore life at a vineyard (hopefully I find this possible), and I have a widely applicable specialized training in a particular field. On paper, it looks very good for me at this point in my life.
So, the idea is to write a personal statement that reflects this, while also not showing these literally "self-centered" reasons as the full motivation for this choice, and, of course, what literary work by myself would be complete without an eventual tie-in to the greater purpose behind everything currently in focus. So, where to start? Since this is forever inescapable from my more noble motivations, it seems most logical to incorporate this into the superstructure of the writing. It makes more sense, then, to tie being a teacher, directing the minds and lives of high schools students in one way or another and making a difference in the way they think about or approach the world, even if in a small way. What I had also considered in part, when I attempted to write this last week, was the idea of becoming that which I've always felt I've needed: my life has been so very riddled with "downfalls" of sorts that, despite finding "answers" to it "All," and coming across various avenues for eliciting these answers, I've always looks for someone, some force to push me in the right way. Despite always feeling like I've needed this, I've learned more through actually having these moments of weaknesses, dealing with the consequences, and discovering that most answers are simply found through self-reflection, or at least self-motivated search. Really, the greatest aid another can give you in finding your "self" is simply reminding the person of what's important in light of all those turbulent factors that get in the way, or even more simply, to calm the turbulence through inspired guidance, pointing to the silliness or this thought, notion, or especially, fear.
Perhaps it is this fear that holds me back now, the same missing confidence that has caused me soo much anguish and anxiety throughout my college experience, has caused me to revert to those distracting factors that just make me feel good as I run the wheel and never move forward, or perhaps am dragged further behind. Not being confident in my abilities, I have sat endless hours staring at something simply, but convincing myself I could never move forward. Staring at a failure of the past, I've allowed layers of defense to build around me, preventing myself from taking initiative to give certain things another try and not get caught up in the idea that that is not "me," and somehow I could never be a certain thing, a certain person, an certain expression in life. And finally, and worst off, I've lost confidence that there's any worth to trying at all. The greatest fear one can face that there is no reason for doing anything at all. Perhaps this is true depending on how one views life: all is as it has always been and how it will always be, and we are all simply very complex congregates of matter who's activity is very insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and even if one could convince themselves of a very local and bubble bound importance to it all, even if you become powerful enough for your bubble to surround the entire planet... lol anyway getting to the point, all is nothing more than sensation experienced by sensation, with many sensation truly being equal in the end despite our judging perceptions.
I'm having such difficulty writing this out of fear. Yes, there is not meaning to this all in reality, and in practicality this is incredibly incidental to the remainder of events that play out within my life (though any occurrence anywhere in the universe can certainly be implicated in this way). The meaningless would tempt me to worry so much over whether there is any use to doing it as there is no use to doing much at all, which especially is a call to chaos, and of course a life lived by this principal would never go in any direction at all. Of course things DO go in a certain direction, so it would be unnatural in the end for me to live in this way (perhaps one could argue that the chaos, being a departure from the norm, would itself be an attempt to impose a meaning of "meaninglessness" into how one lives their life). But, furthermore, there is the problem of living one's life with so much purpose and a sense of meaning
that everything plays out in a very straightforward and concrete way, and it is not a LIFE that one is being a part of, but rather a PLAY. Just like play of children, taking a step back would reveal the silliness of it all and show it to be simply one running around imposing their egocentric and delusional will upon everything. So, do I write this carried away by a vision of what is outside this transitory romp through this playscape of life, or with such determined purpose that I effect, with every word and sentence, just the very result I hope to attain by playing upon the many games and its rules. I need inspiration, but I need a focus, and despite wanting to always play for my own sake and hoping the result is enough, I need to be aware of my audience. Perhaps if I had written enough in this blog, I would be familiar enough with myself to paint myself beautifully upon the canvas in just the right way to elicit just the right amount of awe and wonder that I need. In the end, what do I really need?!? I wish I had some idea, I hope I can successfully go with the flow...