Neuroscience and a TRUE Theory of Everything

Welcome world! Checking in again, especially in light of the tone of the last post.

Although this will prove to be an overall departure from the direction taken in the last post, it is definitely a follow-up and extension of it. First off, this is by no means the lowest point in my life; indeed that last portion from summer 07 to Spring 08 might certainly best characterize this.

Things are proceeding very well in fact: don't get me wrong, I DO miss Jess a lot, but things with her and between us are going well, and I'm going on just fine in her absence. But it IS only the first week ... Anyway, it seems that I at the moment (and often I should) have more pressing priorities. I've been intellectually fallow over the past couple (well maybe more than a couple) years without direction and partaking in FAR too much mindless activity. This semester I chose to take the class Philosophy and Neuroscience both because neuroscience would probably characterize best my area of interest, but also because of conversations with my friend Toby over the importance of Philosophy, especially in light of scientific research, and certainly cognition is my prime area of scientific interest. What I expected from this class was something not too different from what Philosophy of the Mind had to offer, but with more emphasis on scientific discoveries, perhaps in view with Cognitive Psychology. But, overall, I expected just the same postulation of possible models of mental activity that I've already been exposed to, which is certainly interesting, but nothing that gets my wheels turning too excitedly and something I wouldn't feel bad about dropping at any moment I get a job out in California.

And while that IS partly true for the course, it appears that it will include a good deal more in terms of actual scientific accounts of consciousness and cognition rather than what I expected: that being models of awareness and thought loosely based off these. Beyond that even, I was in my earlier years a greater proponent of philosophic thinking and i think that all my science fact-heavy classes I failed to remember just what thinking philosophically involves and its merits, not to mention that all the moral systems and models of evolution leading to human responsibility and the supposition of the ultimate coming together of all in love and joy (based on my religious/spiritual readings) is in fact purely philosophy in itself. In seems, in fact, that I am a philosopher and never knew it, or at least have failed to acknowledge it lately. Afterall, I recall once having a yahoo email "mrphilosopherman@yahoo.com" based off Josh Joplin's Mr. Television Man. But really, at the level of a high schooler, fed up with all his readings and content just to evaluate the world in terms of logic and supposition rather than further reading and gathering of facts, this is not altogether unsurprising. Regardless, I AM upset that I allowed, well at least the questioning and critical thinking tied to this to dissipate simply because I have reached what I believed to be final conclusion, hit brick walls, and became altogether overwhelmed with life.

Anyway, to return to the topic at hand, this class is just what that doctor ordered to the point where I am glad things worked out the way they did (in fact I might even lend credence to fate in this instance). I know it will be an intellectual shot in the arm (just look at this blog! Writing in it in the absence of an emotive motivator!), it will point me in the direction of a final area of interest and perhaps research, and it will prepare me to reach this determined goal. Lastly, it focuses most heavily on the idea of experience and "what it's like to be something that is having an experience," rather than compiling and modeling off of loosely collected and understood ideas, and it looks like it will do so with a very strong focus on the recent discoveries in the field. It touches on things that I didn't realize were so widely talked about, but had always held my interest, such as the quantum mechanical basis to consciousness and the idea of neural synchrony (the idea of complex energy aggregates has been a topic floating in my mind for a time and resonance). So this is very exciting and holds a lot of promise for me both for deciding and mentally readying myself for my future plans (not to mentions killing off the mindlessness I've recognized to have plagued my brain the past ... oh it's been too long...), but of course it's frustrating to hold myself down here another semester...

Oh well, Jess seems happy taking the dogs for hikes, and I know we will both progress in the time we're apart (though, again, I really really miss her :-\ , but more time to enlighten this spark! ... yea it's gotta be fate :-D Jess seems to always know what's needed at just the right time). I have to go out for another pick-up now, and this seems like a good enough place to conclude for now, but look forward to this becoming an ongoing forum for the transmission of my thoughts on life in general, but especially in the context of the human mind, and THAT especially in the context of my continued effort to discern and spell out whether there is a most fulfilling way to live one's life, what that is, how to go about living it, and what the final outcome of one's efforts / everything will be.

Finding my Passion OR The Art of Grasping a Flower on the Shore of a Lake While Floating on a Raft in the Middle

I feel like I've hit my lowest point. Looking on it might now seem so, especially if one were around three years ago when Jess and I separated from being engaged, I moved out of my apartment, was dismissed from school, failed the class I took that summer, and lost my promotion as coordinator... yea that was rough, and the year that followed I definitely consider the one most devoid of positive progress, life, and light. In contrast, things have been very stable lately: I finally graduated with two majors and over a 3.0 GPA, did well in a chem lab class: up until recently both words constituting it's name have individually led me to much frustration and anxiety (beginning with skipping chem labs back in my first year), my relationship with Jess has been fun, rewarding (p90x! , biking, awesome gaming!), and full of love and respect, my parents ... well they haven't been too intrusive and have dealt well with my occasional appearances and brief explanations of my whereabouts, and I have some real friendships and a lot of potential one's forming at work. In contrast with that time three years ago things have been pretty damn great. The problem is, and reason why this is potentially one of the great lows comparable to that time is not any of the aforementioned elements, but rather that that very stability cannot persist if I'm to grow and prosper.
Most obviously, I've graduated and I have to discontinue my college job. Which I've been working on ... well moderately at best and the effort didn't even gather strength until less than a month ago, at which time my class just began. Most of this has focused on research assistant jobs in and around wine country so I can prepare for grad school and discover if my wine passion is worth studying and taking to the next level. Next, Jess starts a job in Boston on Monday. She's scared, disappointed with herself and school, and is running to her aunt up there for something different. So even if I get my ideal situation in California, she, my greatest of all passions will be all the way on the other side of the country. I have this fantastic idea that she'll run off with me out there after some time of me weathering through transpo, her working her Boston dog job, and me finally getting a job that can support the two of us while she finishes school, but there's no saying that'll happen. In fact, despite how I feel, there's always the crazy possibility that tomorrow I'll get accepted for just that job, she applies and gets a job out in California, and we run off out there together next week! This, of course, would characterize the highest point of my past 6 years, but this is a very improbable outcome with where things are going at the moment. I wonder how much of (putting aside even my personal success) our ending up together in the end is pure luck, or you might even evoke fate in determining it's outcome versus anything I might ultimately be able to control. Yes, the improbable could happen in the next couple days, but if it doesn't, perhaps the course has been run, we got all we could from this venture, and it's time to move on.
It's funny, actually, how the idea of destiny has steered my past ... Jesus.... 8 years now. I had the strong feeling, a God-given "his will and meant for me because she's my soulmate" feeling about I and Jessica, but perhaps at the same time we would not have gone this far and learned so much with and through each other if not for that feeling. I still hold to it despite how dull and jaded the time in my life three years ago has left me. I'm still recovering, and part of the reason why this represents a low-point despite all the inherent points of light is the lack of life and overall passion for anything at this point. I could, honestly, ride comfortably like this forever, and I would not be one bit happy with myself. The last time I felt this was was ... well ... when I met Jess and she certainly shook me free from that and into some of the most fulfilling and passionate moments of my life. So this is definitely one of those points again. Whether that means the end of our relationship, or it's redefinition on a different stage as part of a last-minute adventure off to the other side of the country to, pioneer style, set up a new life full of opportunity and prosperity!!! ... lol well that's to be seen. What's especially troubling is how I know the kind of life I should be living, and yet this comfort keeps me constantly from realizing it. Of course, i think this is troubling for the American population in general: with the internet, computers, and hand-held devices that deliver just about anything instantly, instant gratification at the level that some past christian writers might have a heart attack over and be standing at every street corner decrying, and even things that should require the patient saving away of money to purchase can be obtained illegally (yea i do it too often). It's dulled the population, kept us constantly entertained, occupied, feeling like we're accomplishing something worthwhile, and just overall stimulated so that we're blind to the injustices in the world around us and numb to the gentle hints of where life would have us go next...
But back to passion. With all the... well they were much stronger convictions than simple hints at the time ... just feeling and knowing as being more true than anything else in my life that Jess and I were meant to be together and would prosper best if we were to go through life together, I'm left with her and her well-being and success as my greatest passion above all else. It's easy to see how she might have her doubts and would be less than unimpressed with how this life together has impacted her personal outcome. Regardless I feel the best is yet to come ... She has always been a HUGE catalyst for me and despite going into college as a neochristian with eastern philosophical sentiments sewed together from scraps borrowed from varied and not all accurate sources, I leave it being more ... well not more tied to reality than otherwise, but with the tools that would be necessary to truly live a full human existence. I think my biggest problem is having too many passions, and my anxious ADHD mind would rather focus on one thing at a time, and freezes and reaches for mindlessness rather than positive self-fulfilling effort when faced with too many aspirations at once. I'm passionate about the banjo, the computer, easter philosophy, technology (aside from the computer this would be peripherals such as MP3 players and phones), photography for a spell, scientific readings in physics and cognition, and most recently the ukulele. Some of the most prolific contributors to any of the arts or sciences has either been very good at managing their time and balancing various interests/passions/duties at once, or they put their all into the once thing that above all else gave them the greatest sense of personal fulfillment and joy in life, which for me has been Jess (and she can tell you I've done an amazing job at that). Bela Fleck spent every moment playing the banjo from the first time he heard it through high school and college, skipping classes just to play. And the "Bring the Thunder" wine reviewer used to be so passionate about the drink that he would stuff worn socks, among a vast range of other flavored objects/foods into his mouth to train his palate perfectly. With my ADHD, I either need to wrangle my mind under control and make the time for all the many little passions I hold important, or focus most strongly on one (or two?), which is most easiest and natural for someone afflicted with the disorder to do (God I find it so hard to surrender to that, but damn it's better than spinning around in the breeze never making my own waves...)

To Be More Specific...

But getting back to that lack of confidence, perhaps my greatest block to confidence has been my ADHD. Despite all I just wrote, quite a bit of it was just run-on abstractness, and this is a continual result of the fuzz quite often induced by this predominate mental issue. Perhaps I've been doing so well lately due to a lack of papers to write, or at least that the ones I've had to write have been extremely straight-forward with very particular conventions to follow. Lately, I've just been able to memorize incredible amounts of information last minute, which I've very good at, and this has obviously been very successful for me :-D. Its frustrating that I'm in the perfect mood that write after these intense study session, the rest of the time I have to hope that I'm in just the right mood to get it done. At least I have some victory in some way: for a while moving forth in any way had been a struggle for me, especially as anxiety further riled up the white noise soundly loudly in my head. It seems that I either have to do some extreme intellectual intake prior to each writing, or hope for divine inspiration to bring me there. These same ADHD-induced issues has been frustrating in terms of being mindful of the important ways in which to live that would ultimately combat the problems in the first place, Gah! it's a frustrating cycle, and concerning that I have to either always be on top of myself or I drift in every which direction when things become a bit too hectic.
I'm also aware that, in many ways, things have gotten better simply due to scattered discipline and gradual streamlining of mind. I hate to think, however, that a personal statement be part of this improvement, but rather the endpoint in a process that has gotten me where I'd want to be (though lately I've definitely slipped backward a bit). This attitude, however, applied to even the smallest assignments has certainly been some of my BIGGEST issues. Overriding it all is my obsession over certain things, and obsession always clouds the mind. So I figure, again going with some fragmented idea of inspiration and fate, that if becoming a biology teacher was meant to be, this would SOMEHOW get done through sufficient motivation, and otherwise it would not and I would just go out blindly into the world and hope someone would have me. Fear, as always, would prevent the latter, which of course opens one to more excitement and possibilities, but also to risk or something quite deplorable as well...
But anyway, one of my passengers on the AVS van, who likes me a great deal and I've gotten to know (and vice versa) very well over the past 5 and a half years, has connections with someone who runs the program I'd apply to. This kind of ties me down to at least applying and doing my part since she had been nice enough to help. I now owe her this much. And, I wonder, is this just the Universe's way of giving me a push forward, which consequently I've been awaiting this whole time?
It's probably silly to think so...
But anyway, nothing in life has to be final, perhaps not even death: everything is constantly changing and evolving, so it seems this stage in my life demands at least this much of me, in the years to come, who really knows?
I really need to meditate and to read, get my mind completely into shape,
but of course to so I can direct everything as I might will it
in fact, as it very evident here, I don't even know what that would involve.
So I need to clarify so that I might step where is appropriate: not in accordance with a plan set forth my myself (certainly nothing one foresees can always go exactly in that way), or as society would want me (though I hope some of what I do can bring increase in the "greater good"), or even according to some ridiculous "will of god," but just to go where I would naturally, with the hope that some of what I've discovered lately is accurate and that there is a natural direction of this, that being toward the congregation of all (once again, as this was truly the original state of ALL) in love.

Personal Statement

This post will certainly be a deviation from my usual: for the most part writing in this thing has corresponded with certain highs and lows in my life. Mostly lows, I have felt compelled to transcribe my feelings, many of which I have found too intense to share with those closest with me, especially my receptive, yet sensitive Jessica with whom I would feel most compelled to share every part of me with (though unfortunately this has been impossible when concerning some of the darkest corners of my mind). Also, this has been the place to express those ridiculously overdone moments of self-discovery and determination that, while short-lived and obviously more sound and fury than the moving of mountains, have nevertheless been important small nudges forward to becoming something greater (if that statement itself could even hold any meaning). But now, I finally interject thoughts, yearnings, and hopes out into the digital chaos not out of frustration, though certainly on my way to this point, nor out of inspiration, though I suppose my ultimately goal is to com across some buried deep within the reaches of my mind along the way.
Today I write here because I am being faced with a task, a simple task in theory, but one that is monumental in light of my continual attempt to tie every little expression and lesson into the grander idea of my struggle to find meaning in life, to live it, and to avoid all those false mental constructs of what is worthwhile, as well as defining constituents that become so due to wild passions that drag me far adrift for anything that I should want to be and disturb the waters of my thought and ripples of action within my life. So, in conclusion, by now it should be clear why it is soo damn hard for me to start this simple personal statement for grad school. Most likely due here is an explanation of in which direction the small ship of my life is floating (God let's hope I avoid meaningless metaphors in my actual statement lol). Though it has been a few years in the making, it has been a struggle to make the decision to finalize my education with a Masters in Secondary education and certification to teach biology. This path is a large part of the reason why I picked up the second major in biology (along with my recent passion in wine), and though I never let myself fully accept it, I've more or less assumed that this was where I'd be going next. As far as continued education it makes sense: school in general has been so very taxing on me that it's hard to imagine going to school for two to four up to five or six more years. I very obviously need a break...and soon. Preparation to teach would be only a year-long program, I'd have summers off to explore life at a vineyard (hopefully I find this possible), and I have a widely applicable specialized training in a particular field. On paper, it looks very good for me at this point in my life.
So, the idea is to write a personal statement that reflects this, while also not showing these literally "self-centered" reasons as the full motivation for this choice, and, of course, what literary work by myself would be complete without an eventual tie-in to the greater purpose behind everything currently in focus. So, where to start? Since this is forever inescapable from my more noble motivations, it seems most logical to incorporate this into the superstructure of the writing. It makes more sense, then, to tie being a teacher, directing the minds and lives of high schools students in one way or another and making a difference in the way they think about or approach the world, even if in a small way. What I had also considered in part, when I attempted to write this last week, was the idea of becoming that which I've always felt I've needed: my life has been so very riddled with "downfalls" of sorts that, despite finding "answers" to it "All," and coming across various avenues for eliciting these answers, I've always looks for someone, some force to push me in the right way. Despite always feeling like I've needed this, I've learned more through actually having these moments of weaknesses, dealing with the consequences, and discovering that most answers are simply found through self-reflection, or at least self-motivated search. Really, the greatest aid another can give you in finding your "self" is simply reminding the person of what's important in light of all those turbulent factors that get in the way, or even more simply, to calm the turbulence through inspired guidance, pointing to the silliness or this thought, notion, or especially, fear.
Perhaps it is this fear that holds me back now, the same missing confidence that has caused me soo much anguish and anxiety throughout my college experience, has caused me to revert to those distracting factors that just make me feel good as I run the wheel and never move forward, or perhaps am dragged further behind. Not being confident in my abilities, I have sat endless hours staring at something simply, but convincing myself I could never move forward. Staring at a failure of the past, I've allowed layers of defense to build around me, preventing myself from taking initiative to give certain things another try and not get caught up in the idea that that is not "me," and somehow I could never be a certain thing, a certain person, an certain expression in life. And finally, and worst off, I've lost confidence that there's any worth to trying at all. The greatest fear one can face that there is no reason for doing anything at all. Perhaps this is true depending on how one views life: all is as it has always been and how it will always be, and we are all simply very complex congregates of matter who's activity is very insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and even if one could convince themselves of a very local and bubble bound importance to it all, even if you become powerful enough for your bubble to surround the entire planet... lol anyway getting to the point, all is nothing more than sensation experienced by sensation, with many sensation truly being equal in the end despite our judging perceptions.
I'm having such difficulty writing this out of fear. Yes, there is not meaning to this all in reality, and in practicality this is incredibly incidental to the remainder of events that play out within my life (though any occurrence anywhere in the universe can certainly be implicated in this way). The meaningless would tempt me to worry so much over whether there is any use to doing it as there is no use to doing much at all, which especially is a call to chaos, and of course a life lived by this principal would never go in any direction at all. Of course things DO go in a certain direction, so it would be unnatural in the end for me to live in this way (perhaps one could argue that the chaos, being a departure from the norm, would itself be an attempt to impose a meaning of "meaninglessness" into how one lives their life). But, furthermore, there is the problem of living one's life with so much purpose and a sense of meaning
that everything plays out in a very straightforward and concrete way, and it is not a LIFE that one is being a part of, but rather a PLAY. Just like play of children, taking a step back would reveal the silliness of it all and show it to be simply one running around imposing their egocentric and delusional will upon everything. So, do I write this carried away by a vision of what is outside this transitory romp through this playscape of life, or with such determined purpose that I effect, with every word and sentence, just the very result I hope to attain by playing upon the many games and its rules. I need inspiration, but I need a focus, and despite wanting to always play for my own sake and hoping the result is enough, I need to be aware of my audience. Perhaps if I had written enough in this blog, I would be familiar enough with myself to paint myself beautifully upon the canvas in just the right way to elicit just the right amount of awe and wonder that I need. In the end, what do I really need?!? I wish I had some idea, I hope I can successfully go with the flow...

Feeling Mighty Robotic: Probably an insufficient recap and other attempts at effluence

A New Star's Dawning

Good morning existence! I don't have anything earth-shattering to report, except maybe the unfortunate return of some trite bad habits. I really do need to read more; writing in this thing, or really any academic work, really helps me remember just what an effect the right combinations of words can have on a person. Really, the biggest thing lately is the possibility of a decision on my future plans, but we all know those things are never definite. Either way, I'm in school for even longer now: another year until next December. And I plan on teaching certification following that. So, As of right now, I plan or becoming a biology teacher, more likely on the high school level. I guess as much as school and I never did perfectly mesh, I'll never escape it. But then again, that seems to be a disturbingly common pattern in my life. But then again, I becoming more intrigued every week with wine. Yes, wine of all things. And I really think one day it'd be great to open up my own winery. I've had my eyes set on California for a while now, which really is the wine capital of America, so it seems to be a culmination of a few life discoveries over the past couple years, with a little stretch.

So right now my great life plans include becoming a high school biology teacher who works at a winery over the summers for experience. After I've gained enough experience, saved up a little money, and when the right location presents itself, I'll go into business for myself. The key is, I hope to sell moderate-quality wine in large quantities taking advantage of the fact that a good many people, or all ages but especially the young, know very little of the stuff. I remember myself trying to decipher which would be perfect for myself and Jess, who like many young drinkers were looking for something light, sweet, and fruity. So I sell wine of that caliber, under some attractive name and title (like the "Relax" brand I've heard mentioned more and more often, or even like Bully Hill with their brightly-colored bottles and dry to sweet meter). I'll spell it all out that these wines are exactly what the uninformed wine drinker is looking for, and break apart a market the is far too dominated by insufficient alternatives like Arbor Mist. But, in addition, I'll have award-winning fine wines for the more advanced crowd willing to pay $30 - $50 a bottle for some really excellent wine. And hopefully I can integrate in the idea for a restaurant and a more laid-back Panera / Starbucks mix on the premises, or even just as a side project after my wine's success, but I guess we'll just see where things go.

As a side note, this semester has really rocketed by, and each week I find myself more and more shocked that 7 days have already passed. But, unlike most, I feel fairly prepared for its ending. I just need to get my shit together after writing this and finish all those physics labs I've been putting off for far too long. With the break ahead, though, I feel the lab TA won't mind having them suddenly dropped into his mailbox so late, needing to grade them far after he has expected. I'm stressing myself out slightly just thinking of it right now, so I can't write much else. In every other respect, this semester is ending not much worse off than it started. I'm doing very well in physics otherwise, and psychology, I'm getting a B in linear algebra, a C in my neurobiology lab.

Actually, it's pretty great how physics has worked out. He completely screwed up the exam and gave us all the wrong equations, but regardless, he screwed up grading it too, so everything canceled out and I received a (I feel) well-deserved second A. My spiritual readings have really come to a halt with these incomplete labs, as usually happens when I have school-work on my mind, but then again my ultimate goal was really to finish it by the end of my college experience, so I've bought myself some more time (no excuses after today though not to start to get back to it). So that's where I am, at least in the aspect that most dominate my life. More about Jess and recreational activities later, which maybe surprisingly have both been pleasantly commonplace. Wish me luck in juggling this day and getting back on top.

Drink: Peppermint Twist Latte at Starbucks Music: Pandora "The Weepies" station

Warning: Event Horizon Ahead!

Things, as always, have not been going exactly as hoped or planned, but it's hasn't been a bad week; time is just passing by far too fast and looming ahead seems to me nothing more than a dark, deadly event horizon. Just once I want to see a weeks go, not even according to plan, but at least see it include all those things I'm always promising myself I'll get around to. Sometimes all I can hope for is simply get the things I NEED to get done done to classes, but reading, banjo, going to the gym would be nice too.

This past week had been one of those that couldn't even include the necessities, but if I work hard enough maybe I can make up for that. The CDL test last Friday didn't happen due to paperwork issues the DMV lied to me about, so that's one worry that has yet to be suppressed, though honestly not a lot is riding on that. And I have been reading, but not a lot, and my level of experience seems to be too shallow for it to be at all worthwhile.

Jess apparently wants to take a break; not that that's a surprise. Not that things have been bad lately, but just very lukewarm. I blame her for that in a lot of ways: she never seemed to be into the relationship and hasn't much since February. Honestly a break, as far a the "us" unit is concerned would not be a big change seeing as i feel like she's always too stressed and absorbed in other things, especially distractions, that she's never really"all there" as it is My main concerns, honestly, is finding things to do and people to do them with. I missed out on making positive college friendships with all the time I've put into work, tried to put into class, wasted with meaningless distraction, and tried to give to jess as often as possible.

In a way I've been mourning the loss of our relationship since February, realizing that, though lately I've been more myself that in a long time, the Jess of old is hard to find.

I'm starting to realize lately just how important February was, and how the past eight months has been a mending of the problems that started then, or at least they have laid dormant over all this time, and a blossoming of all the positive endeavors. February was when I started to read the Kundalini Tantra book and has once again ignited my spiritual strivings, and it's when jess started to bury herself in TV shows, and Internet distractions and look beyond her relationship simply because she's been sick of the same old things in life.

Jess lost herself somewhere, and as frustrating as it's been to be with her lately, not getting the affection and effort from her, especially with me rediscovering a little more of myself all the time since then. I feel like that was a major turning point for me, and despite how it really wasn't for Jess, that her's may still be on the way, I've been happy enough with the little thing we've had. I've been worrying about coming back into my own, and enjoying what I can of my times with Jess and the things we've done together, always staying optimistic she'd once again find her moment in the sun.

So I Don't Forget...Short but Simply Necessary

It's 3:30 in the morning, and I'm getting tired, so this isn't going to be much of an entry, or at least not up to par with my usual expectation of myself. First, I'll get my primary purpose out of the way:

1. 1. Vedas (Wisdom of the Vedas , Veda Anthology , Secret of the Veda)
2. 2. Upanishads
3. 3. Bhagavadgita
4. 4. Dhammapada
5. 5. Tao To Ching (and Chuang Tzu)
6. 6. Mahayana Sutras
7. 7. Gateless Gate (Zen)
8. 8. Wonders of the Natural Mind (Bon)
9. 9. Tibetan Book of the Dead
10. 11. Dynamics of Time and Space (or other TSK)
11. 12. KUNDALINI TANTRA
12. 13. Fabric of the Cosmos
13. 14. A Course in the Ancient Tantric Techniques of Yoga and Kriya
14. October: 1.
15. November: 2.
16. December: 3.
17. January: 4. , 5.
18. February: 6. , 7.
19. March: 8. , 9.
20. April: 10. , 11.
21. May: 12. , 13.

So what is all this then? A little investigation would reveal a list of religious readings (except for # 13., but that is added for a special reason, as will be clear later); and one would also find a connection between them all as (more or less) chronologically outlining the development of a certain strain of religious traditions stemming out of India, as well as a few book thrown in, like Tao, that stood as an alternative to another school and complemented the other in various ways. It might seem silly to set a special order, as if one is necessary to impose, or even (especially) a time frame for completion, but I know that without some semblance of order and duration, I will never get any of these read.

Why do I care to even read all these in the first place? Well, first and probably most obvious, for self-betterment. To become, or I guess rediscover, what I truly am and the role I'm meant to play in the crazy constant dance or creation and destruction. There are a few clear reasons why I feel the urge to do so immediately. First, I'm graduating soon, and of course thoughts of finding myself and my place in this world are natural in that light. Additionally, I've realized just how old I becoming: certainly 22 does not mean I'm not an old man, but at this point one starts to feel the need to leave wasteful activities and pursuits behind for those of more substance; all the landmarks of maturation are behind me and, well, it's time to live a more mature and disciplined life. Time to pursue worthwhile endeavors, especially those that will define and be of great import over the whole of my life.

I certainly don't want any regrets.

So, if there's anyone out there who reads this, and you yourself have ever wanted to pursue a similar plan of spiritual enrichment (I know the odds are slim, but it's worth a try anyway) I'm very much interested in a shared experience with someone; discovery, interpretation, and insight only possible through whole-hearted exchange with another open-minded individual.

In any case, I'll be documenting my insights here, and hopefully accounts of some added meaning, or at least ease of digestion, in this crazy and perplexing existence.