Neuroscience and a TRUE Theory of Everything

Welcome world! Checking in again, especially in light of the tone of the last post.

Although this will prove to be an overall departure from the direction taken in the last post, it is definitely a follow-up and extension of it. First off, this is by no means the lowest point in my life; indeed that last portion from summer 07 to Spring 08 might certainly best characterize this.

Things are proceeding very well in fact: don't get me wrong, I DO miss Jess a lot, but things with her and between us are going well, and I'm going on just fine in her absence. But it IS only the first week ... Anyway, it seems that I at the moment (and often I should) have more pressing priorities. I've been intellectually fallow over the past couple (well maybe more than a couple) years without direction and partaking in FAR too much mindless activity. This semester I chose to take the class Philosophy and Neuroscience both because neuroscience would probably characterize best my area of interest, but also because of conversations with my friend Toby over the importance of Philosophy, especially in light of scientific research, and certainly cognition is my prime area of scientific interest. What I expected from this class was something not too different from what Philosophy of the Mind had to offer, but with more emphasis on scientific discoveries, perhaps in view with Cognitive Psychology. But, overall, I expected just the same postulation of possible models of mental activity that I've already been exposed to, which is certainly interesting, but nothing that gets my wheels turning too excitedly and something I wouldn't feel bad about dropping at any moment I get a job out in California.

And while that IS partly true for the course, it appears that it will include a good deal more in terms of actual scientific accounts of consciousness and cognition rather than what I expected: that being models of awareness and thought loosely based off these. Beyond that even, I was in my earlier years a greater proponent of philosophic thinking and i think that all my science fact-heavy classes I failed to remember just what thinking philosophically involves and its merits, not to mention that all the moral systems and models of evolution leading to human responsibility and the supposition of the ultimate coming together of all in love and joy (based on my religious/spiritual readings) is in fact purely philosophy in itself. In seems, in fact, that I am a philosopher and never knew it, or at least have failed to acknowledge it lately. Afterall, I recall once having a yahoo email "mrphilosopherman@yahoo.com" based off Josh Joplin's Mr. Television Man. But really, at the level of a high schooler, fed up with all his readings and content just to evaluate the world in terms of logic and supposition rather than further reading and gathering of facts, this is not altogether unsurprising. Regardless, I AM upset that I allowed, well at least the questioning and critical thinking tied to this to dissipate simply because I have reached what I believed to be final conclusion, hit brick walls, and became altogether overwhelmed with life.

Anyway, to return to the topic at hand, this class is just what that doctor ordered to the point where I am glad things worked out the way they did (in fact I might even lend credence to fate in this instance). I know it will be an intellectual shot in the arm (just look at this blog! Writing in it in the absence of an emotive motivator!), it will point me in the direction of a final area of interest and perhaps research, and it will prepare me to reach this determined goal. Lastly, it focuses most heavily on the idea of experience and "what it's like to be something that is having an experience," rather than compiling and modeling off of loosely collected and understood ideas, and it looks like it will do so with a very strong focus on the recent discoveries in the field. It touches on things that I didn't realize were so widely talked about, but had always held my interest, such as the quantum mechanical basis to consciousness and the idea of neural synchrony (the idea of complex energy aggregates has been a topic floating in my mind for a time and resonance). So this is very exciting and holds a lot of promise for me both for deciding and mentally readying myself for my future plans (not to mentions killing off the mindlessness I've recognized to have plagued my brain the past ... oh it's been too long...), but of course it's frustrating to hold myself down here another semester...

Oh well, Jess seems happy taking the dogs for hikes, and I know we will both progress in the time we're apart (though, again, I really really miss her :-\ , but more time to enlighten this spark! ... yea it's gotta be fate :-D Jess seems to always know what's needed at just the right time). I have to go out for another pick-up now, and this seems like a good enough place to conclude for now, but look forward to this becoming an ongoing forum for the transmission of my thoughts on life in general, but especially in the context of the human mind, and THAT especially in the context of my continued effort to discern and spell out whether there is a most fulfilling way to live one's life, what that is, how to go about living it, and what the final outcome of one's efforts / everything will be.

Finding my Passion OR The Art of Grasping a Flower on the Shore of a Lake While Floating on a Raft in the Middle

I feel like I've hit my lowest point. Looking on it might now seem so, especially if one were around three years ago when Jess and I separated from being engaged, I moved out of my apartment, was dismissed from school, failed the class I took that summer, and lost my promotion as coordinator... yea that was rough, and the year that followed I definitely consider the one most devoid of positive progress, life, and light. In contrast, things have been very stable lately: I finally graduated with two majors and over a 3.0 GPA, did well in a chem lab class: up until recently both words constituting it's name have individually led me to much frustration and anxiety (beginning with skipping chem labs back in my first year), my relationship with Jess has been fun, rewarding (p90x! , biking, awesome gaming!), and full of love and respect, my parents ... well they haven't been too intrusive and have dealt well with my occasional appearances and brief explanations of my whereabouts, and I have some real friendships and a lot of potential one's forming at work. In contrast with that time three years ago things have been pretty damn great. The problem is, and reason why this is potentially one of the great lows comparable to that time is not any of the aforementioned elements, but rather that that very stability cannot persist if I'm to grow and prosper.
Most obviously, I've graduated and I have to discontinue my college job. Which I've been working on ... well moderately at best and the effort didn't even gather strength until less than a month ago, at which time my class just began. Most of this has focused on research assistant jobs in and around wine country so I can prepare for grad school and discover if my wine passion is worth studying and taking to the next level. Next, Jess starts a job in Boston on Monday. She's scared, disappointed with herself and school, and is running to her aunt up there for something different. So even if I get my ideal situation in California, she, my greatest of all passions will be all the way on the other side of the country. I have this fantastic idea that she'll run off with me out there after some time of me weathering through transpo, her working her Boston dog job, and me finally getting a job that can support the two of us while she finishes school, but there's no saying that'll happen. In fact, despite how I feel, there's always the crazy possibility that tomorrow I'll get accepted for just that job, she applies and gets a job out in California, and we run off out there together next week! This, of course, would characterize the highest point of my past 6 years, but this is a very improbable outcome with where things are going at the moment. I wonder how much of (putting aside even my personal success) our ending up together in the end is pure luck, or you might even evoke fate in determining it's outcome versus anything I might ultimately be able to control. Yes, the improbable could happen in the next couple days, but if it doesn't, perhaps the course has been run, we got all we could from this venture, and it's time to move on.
It's funny, actually, how the idea of destiny has steered my past ... Jesus.... 8 years now. I had the strong feeling, a God-given "his will and meant for me because she's my soulmate" feeling about I and Jessica, but perhaps at the same time we would not have gone this far and learned so much with and through each other if not for that feeling. I still hold to it despite how dull and jaded the time in my life three years ago has left me. I'm still recovering, and part of the reason why this represents a low-point despite all the inherent points of light is the lack of life and overall passion for anything at this point. I could, honestly, ride comfortably like this forever, and I would not be one bit happy with myself. The last time I felt this was was ... well ... when I met Jess and she certainly shook me free from that and into some of the most fulfilling and passionate moments of my life. So this is definitely one of those points again. Whether that means the end of our relationship, or it's redefinition on a different stage as part of a last-minute adventure off to the other side of the country to, pioneer style, set up a new life full of opportunity and prosperity!!! ... lol well that's to be seen. What's especially troubling is how I know the kind of life I should be living, and yet this comfort keeps me constantly from realizing it. Of course, i think this is troubling for the American population in general: with the internet, computers, and hand-held devices that deliver just about anything instantly, instant gratification at the level that some past christian writers might have a heart attack over and be standing at every street corner decrying, and even things that should require the patient saving away of money to purchase can be obtained illegally (yea i do it too often). It's dulled the population, kept us constantly entertained, occupied, feeling like we're accomplishing something worthwhile, and just overall stimulated so that we're blind to the injustices in the world around us and numb to the gentle hints of where life would have us go next...
But back to passion. With all the... well they were much stronger convictions than simple hints at the time ... just feeling and knowing as being more true than anything else in my life that Jess and I were meant to be together and would prosper best if we were to go through life together, I'm left with her and her well-being and success as my greatest passion above all else. It's easy to see how she might have her doubts and would be less than unimpressed with how this life together has impacted her personal outcome. Regardless I feel the best is yet to come ... She has always been a HUGE catalyst for me and despite going into college as a neochristian with eastern philosophical sentiments sewed together from scraps borrowed from varied and not all accurate sources, I leave it being more ... well not more tied to reality than otherwise, but with the tools that would be necessary to truly live a full human existence. I think my biggest problem is having too many passions, and my anxious ADHD mind would rather focus on one thing at a time, and freezes and reaches for mindlessness rather than positive self-fulfilling effort when faced with too many aspirations at once. I'm passionate about the banjo, the computer, easter philosophy, technology (aside from the computer this would be peripherals such as MP3 players and phones), photography for a spell, scientific readings in physics and cognition, and most recently the ukulele. Some of the most prolific contributors to any of the arts or sciences has either been very good at managing their time and balancing various interests/passions/duties at once, or they put their all into the once thing that above all else gave them the greatest sense of personal fulfillment and joy in life, which for me has been Jess (and she can tell you I've done an amazing job at that). Bela Fleck spent every moment playing the banjo from the first time he heard it through high school and college, skipping classes just to play. And the "Bring the Thunder" wine reviewer used to be so passionate about the drink that he would stuff worn socks, among a vast range of other flavored objects/foods into his mouth to train his palate perfectly. With my ADHD, I either need to wrangle my mind under control and make the time for all the many little passions I hold important, or focus most strongly on one (or two?), which is most easiest and natural for someone afflicted with the disorder to do (God I find it so hard to surrender to that, but damn it's better than spinning around in the breeze never making my own waves...)