Things, as always, have not been going exactly as hoped or planned, but it's hasn't been a bad week; time is just passing by far too fast and looming ahead seems to me nothing more than a dark, deadly event horizon. Just once I want to see a weeks go, not even according to plan, but at least see it include all those things I'm always promising myself I'll get around to. Sometimes all I can hope for is simply get the things I NEED to get done done to classes, but reading, banjo, going to the gym would be nice too.
This past week had been one of those that couldn't even include the necessities, but if I work hard enough maybe I can make up for that. The CDL test last Friday didn't happen due to paperwork issues the DMV lied to me about, so that's one worry that has yet to be suppressed, though honestly not a lot is riding on that. And I have been reading, but not a lot, and my level of experience seems to be too shallow for it to be at all worthwhile.
Jess apparently wants to take a break; not that that's a surprise. Not that things have been bad lately, but just very lukewarm. I blame her for that in a lot of ways: she never seemed to be into the relationship and hasn't much since February. Honestly a break, as far a the "us" unit is concerned would not be a big change seeing as i feel like she's always too stressed and absorbed in other things, especially distractions, that she's never really"all there" as it is My main concerns, honestly, is finding things to do and people to do them with. I missed out on making positive college friendships with all the time I've put into work, tried to put into class, wasted with meaningless distraction, and tried to give to jess as often as possible.
In a way I've been mourning the loss of our relationship since February, realizing that, though lately I've been more myself that in a long time, the Jess of old is hard to find.
I'm starting to realize lately just how important February was, and how the past eight months has been a mending of the problems that started then, or at least they have laid dormant over all this time, and a blossoming of all the positive endeavors. February was when I started to read the Kundalini Tantra book and has once again ignited my spiritual strivings, and it's when jess started to bury herself in TV shows, and Internet distractions and look beyond her relationship simply because she's been sick of the same old things in life.
Jess lost herself somewhere, and as frustrating as it's been to be with her lately, not getting the affection and effort from her, especially with me rediscovering a little more of myself all the time since then. I feel like that was a major turning point for me, and despite how it really wasn't for Jess, that her's may still be on the way, I've been happy enough with the little thing we've had. I've been worrying about coming back into my own, and enjoying what I can of my times with Jess and the things we've done together, always staying optimistic she'd once again find her moment in the sun.
