The Stars Weren't Bright Enough to Keep Me Awake....

Needless to say, I've feel very unmotivated after what, for whatever unknown reason, turned out to be a rather unproductive night last night. Some people say to themselves after a personal defeat, with much rage: "when will I ever learn?!?" For me, it's a reserved and unsubstantial proclamation that I will, in fact, never learn. I used to be rather burned up with myself on days like today; but by now they've come often enough that I just don't care anymore. Oh well, time to get the nose back to the grindstone. I guess I can feel good in that I didn't take part in many of my usual distractions last night, even if it wasn't overly fruitful. Maybe I'm just in so much need for some good quality time with myself, reading decent things, enjoying nature, contemplating life, whatever, that I couldn't move forward anymore. Hell, I'll come up with any excuse to feel better a bout myself. For now, this will just have to do.

So now, I just need to pick up the pieces the best possible way. Finish my assignments. Email my lab TA and figure out how to save that, go to my classes, yet somehow sneak out of my second one after the quiz to finish everything. I need to start getting nervous again, and I really know it. Graduation is coming soon, and I really need a job. I've not very good at moving forward, so it's got to be something good from the get-go.

Music: Submarines

Purchases: Welch's White Grape Peach Fruit Snacks, b-relaxed vitamin water, Wisdom of the Vedas book

Maybe Not the Sun Today, but at Least a Few Stars...

It's hard to know where to start, and as always, I'm setting this down on a night where I have far more to do than my energy at the moment, and time limitations may allow; but unlike blog writings of the past, I have not always stumbled, and I am certainly not beyond hope. In fact, not to sound like a broken record, skipping away the same beats for 4 years straight now, but things really are turning around for me. In the past, I have conveyed the sense that this is occurring, or an insatiable desire to see certain changes come about, but lately I have been more or less on top of my game: performing better in school and putting in all the necessary time, I have begun, purportedly, reading the books I've wanted to read for quite some time, and, hopefully as things finally smooth out in terms of time and accomplishment, I will find myself exercising at the gym and practicing banjo as well.

But really, enough of this. This will be a personal account from this point on, not written as if for an audience as I have proceeded so far, or at least as much as I can help. I will go into detail on whatever is of importance to me at the moment; really get back to the original plan set out four years ago for this to be an, almost, first-hand religious account of my experience as a human being on earth. An account of my wins and losses, my discoveries and those mysteries still puzzling me, and finally a testament to those things that have brought me pain as well as joy. I'd write more, but at the moment I have a paper to write. I'm established in my recently designated favorite study/paper writing spot in the "quiet study room" on the 4th floor of the library, accompanied by my new favorite study tool: a plastic coffee cup filled with wine (Ironstone Shiraz 1999 tonight...I couldn't help getting it with the particular date...definitely a favorite year of mine :-D, and one of my most successful sadly enough...anyway wine enthusiast gave it an 86, and it really is good). It really helps eat away at the anxiety and help me focus; though the Early American Literature class this summer, in itself, really helped me get on the right track through the readings and writing I very faithfully completed with great effort. Very fitting, really, seeing the Emerson-inspired blog title.

The sun certainly shines today also, but it took some gazing at the lights of the past to motivate and inspire me. Spread out as the jewel-like stars in the night sky. Over the next few/many months/years I'm going back to the dimmest, yet most precious of these lights, which, at their core, harbor the brightest and more invigorating of all lights.

Music : The Concretes , I Love Math, Albert Hammond