A New Star's Dawning

Good morning existence! I don't have anything earth-shattering to report, except maybe the unfortunate return of some trite bad habits. I really do need to read more; writing in this thing, or really any academic work, really helps me remember just what an effect the right combinations of words can have on a person. Really, the biggest thing lately is the possibility of a decision on my future plans, but we all know those things are never definite. Either way, I'm in school for even longer now: another year until next December. And I plan on teaching certification following that. So, As of right now, I plan or becoming a biology teacher, more likely on the high school level. I guess as much as school and I never did perfectly mesh, I'll never escape it. But then again, that seems to be a disturbingly common pattern in my life. But then again, I becoming more intrigued every week with wine. Yes, wine of all things. And I really think one day it'd be great to open up my own winery. I've had my eyes set on California for a while now, which really is the wine capital of America, so it seems to be a culmination of a few life discoveries over the past couple years, with a little stretch.

So right now my great life plans include becoming a high school biology teacher who works at a winery over the summers for experience. After I've gained enough experience, saved up a little money, and when the right location presents itself, I'll go into business for myself. The key is, I hope to sell moderate-quality wine in large quantities taking advantage of the fact that a good many people, or all ages but especially the young, know very little of the stuff. I remember myself trying to decipher which would be perfect for myself and Jess, who like many young drinkers were looking for something light, sweet, and fruity. So I sell wine of that caliber, under some attractive name and title (like the "Relax" brand I've heard mentioned more and more often, or even like Bully Hill with their brightly-colored bottles and dry to sweet meter). I'll spell it all out that these wines are exactly what the uninformed wine drinker is looking for, and break apart a market the is far too dominated by insufficient alternatives like Arbor Mist. But, in addition, I'll have award-winning fine wines for the more advanced crowd willing to pay $30 - $50 a bottle for some really excellent wine. And hopefully I can integrate in the idea for a restaurant and a more laid-back Panera / Starbucks mix on the premises, or even just as a side project after my wine's success, but I guess we'll just see where things go.

As a side note, this semester has really rocketed by, and each week I find myself more and more shocked that 7 days have already passed. But, unlike most, I feel fairly prepared for its ending. I just need to get my shit together after writing this and finish all those physics labs I've been putting off for far too long. With the break ahead, though, I feel the lab TA won't mind having them suddenly dropped into his mailbox so late, needing to grade them far after he has expected. I'm stressing myself out slightly just thinking of it right now, so I can't write much else. In every other respect, this semester is ending not much worse off than it started. I'm doing very well in physics otherwise, and psychology, I'm getting a B in linear algebra, a C in my neurobiology lab.

Actually, it's pretty great how physics has worked out. He completely screwed up the exam and gave us all the wrong equations, but regardless, he screwed up grading it too, so everything canceled out and I received a (I feel) well-deserved second A. My spiritual readings have really come to a halt with these incomplete labs, as usually happens when I have school-work on my mind, but then again my ultimate goal was really to finish it by the end of my college experience, so I've bought myself some more time (no excuses after today though not to start to get back to it). So that's where I am, at least in the aspect that most dominate my life. More about Jess and recreational activities later, which maybe surprisingly have both been pleasantly commonplace. Wish me luck in juggling this day and getting back on top.

Drink: Peppermint Twist Latte at Starbucks Music: Pandora "The Weepies" station

Warning: Event Horizon Ahead!

Things, as always, have not been going exactly as hoped or planned, but it's hasn't been a bad week; time is just passing by far too fast and looming ahead seems to me nothing more than a dark, deadly event horizon. Just once I want to see a weeks go, not even according to plan, but at least see it include all those things I'm always promising myself I'll get around to. Sometimes all I can hope for is simply get the things I NEED to get done done to classes, but reading, banjo, going to the gym would be nice too.

This past week had been one of those that couldn't even include the necessities, but if I work hard enough maybe I can make up for that. The CDL test last Friday didn't happen due to paperwork issues the DMV lied to me about, so that's one worry that has yet to be suppressed, though honestly not a lot is riding on that. And I have been reading, but not a lot, and my level of experience seems to be too shallow for it to be at all worthwhile.

Jess apparently wants to take a break; not that that's a surprise. Not that things have been bad lately, but just very lukewarm. I blame her for that in a lot of ways: she never seemed to be into the relationship and hasn't much since February. Honestly a break, as far a the "us" unit is concerned would not be a big change seeing as i feel like she's always too stressed and absorbed in other things, especially distractions, that she's never really"all there" as it is My main concerns, honestly, is finding things to do and people to do them with. I missed out on making positive college friendships with all the time I've put into work, tried to put into class, wasted with meaningless distraction, and tried to give to jess as often as possible.

In a way I've been mourning the loss of our relationship since February, realizing that, though lately I've been more myself that in a long time, the Jess of old is hard to find.

I'm starting to realize lately just how important February was, and how the past eight months has been a mending of the problems that started then, or at least they have laid dormant over all this time, and a blossoming of all the positive endeavors. February was when I started to read the Kundalini Tantra book and has once again ignited my spiritual strivings, and it's when jess started to bury herself in TV shows, and Internet distractions and look beyond her relationship simply because she's been sick of the same old things in life.

Jess lost herself somewhere, and as frustrating as it's been to be with her lately, not getting the affection and effort from her, especially with me rediscovering a little more of myself all the time since then. I feel like that was a major turning point for me, and despite how it really wasn't for Jess, that her's may still be on the way, I've been happy enough with the little thing we've had. I've been worrying about coming back into my own, and enjoying what I can of my times with Jess and the things we've done together, always staying optimistic she'd once again find her moment in the sun.

So I Don't Forget...Short but Simply Necessary

It's 3:30 in the morning, and I'm getting tired, so this isn't going to be much of an entry, or at least not up to par with my usual expectation of myself. First, I'll get my primary purpose out of the way:

1. 1. Vedas (Wisdom of the Vedas , Veda Anthology , Secret of the Veda)
2. 2. Upanishads
3. 3. Bhagavadgita
4. 4. Dhammapada
5. 5. Tao To Ching (and Chuang Tzu)
6. 6. Mahayana Sutras
7. 7. Gateless Gate (Zen)
8. 8. Wonders of the Natural Mind (Bon)
9. 9. Tibetan Book of the Dead
10. 11. Dynamics of Time and Space (or other TSK)
11. 12. KUNDALINI TANTRA
12. 13. Fabric of the Cosmos
13. 14. A Course in the Ancient Tantric Techniques of Yoga and Kriya
14. October: 1.
15. November: 2.
16. December: 3.
17. January: 4. , 5.
18. February: 6. , 7.
19. March: 8. , 9.
20. April: 10. , 11.
21. May: 12. , 13.

So what is all this then? A little investigation would reveal a list of religious readings (except for # 13., but that is added for a special reason, as will be clear later); and one would also find a connection between them all as (more or less) chronologically outlining the development of a certain strain of religious traditions stemming out of India, as well as a few book thrown in, like Tao, that stood as an alternative to another school and complemented the other in various ways. It might seem silly to set a special order, as if one is necessary to impose, or even (especially) a time frame for completion, but I know that without some semblance of order and duration, I will never get any of these read.

Why do I care to even read all these in the first place? Well, first and probably most obvious, for self-betterment. To become, or I guess rediscover, what I truly am and the role I'm meant to play in the crazy constant dance or creation and destruction. There are a few clear reasons why I feel the urge to do so immediately. First, I'm graduating soon, and of course thoughts of finding myself and my place in this world are natural in that light. Additionally, I've realized just how old I becoming: certainly 22 does not mean I'm not an old man, but at this point one starts to feel the need to leave wasteful activities and pursuits behind for those of more substance; all the landmarks of maturation are behind me and, well, it's time to live a more mature and disciplined life. Time to pursue worthwhile endeavors, especially those that will define and be of great import over the whole of my life.

I certainly don't want any regrets.

So, if there's anyone out there who reads this, and you yourself have ever wanted to pursue a similar plan of spiritual enrichment (I know the odds are slim, but it's worth a try anyway) I'm very much interested in a shared experience with someone; discovery, interpretation, and insight only possible through whole-hearted exchange with another open-minded individual.

In any case, I'll be documenting my insights here, and hopefully accounts of some added meaning, or at least ease of digestion, in this crazy and perplexing existence. 

The Stars Weren't Bright Enough to Keep Me Awake....

Needless to say, I've feel very unmotivated after what, for whatever unknown reason, turned out to be a rather unproductive night last night. Some people say to themselves after a personal defeat, with much rage: "when will I ever learn?!?" For me, it's a reserved and unsubstantial proclamation that I will, in fact, never learn. I used to be rather burned up with myself on days like today; but by now they've come often enough that I just don't care anymore. Oh well, time to get the nose back to the grindstone. I guess I can feel good in that I didn't take part in many of my usual distractions last night, even if it wasn't overly fruitful. Maybe I'm just in so much need for some good quality time with myself, reading decent things, enjoying nature, contemplating life, whatever, that I couldn't move forward anymore. Hell, I'll come up with any excuse to feel better a bout myself. For now, this will just have to do.

So now, I just need to pick up the pieces the best possible way. Finish my assignments. Email my lab TA and figure out how to save that, go to my classes, yet somehow sneak out of my second one after the quiz to finish everything. I need to start getting nervous again, and I really know it. Graduation is coming soon, and I really need a job. I've not very good at moving forward, so it's got to be something good from the get-go.

Music: Submarines

Purchases: Welch's White Grape Peach Fruit Snacks, b-relaxed vitamin water, Wisdom of the Vedas book

Maybe Not the Sun Today, but at Least a Few Stars...

It's hard to know where to start, and as always, I'm setting this down on a night where I have far more to do than my energy at the moment, and time limitations may allow; but unlike blog writings of the past, I have not always stumbled, and I am certainly not beyond hope. In fact, not to sound like a broken record, skipping away the same beats for 4 years straight now, but things really are turning around for me. In the past, I have conveyed the sense that this is occurring, or an insatiable desire to see certain changes come about, but lately I have been more or less on top of my game: performing better in school and putting in all the necessary time, I have begun, purportedly, reading the books I've wanted to read for quite some time, and, hopefully as things finally smooth out in terms of time and accomplishment, I will find myself exercising at the gym and practicing banjo as well.

But really, enough of this. This will be a personal account from this point on, not written as if for an audience as I have proceeded so far, or at least as much as I can help. I will go into detail on whatever is of importance to me at the moment; really get back to the original plan set out four years ago for this to be an, almost, first-hand religious account of my experience as a human being on earth. An account of my wins and losses, my discoveries and those mysteries still puzzling me, and finally a testament to those things that have brought me pain as well as joy. I'd write more, but at the moment I have a paper to write. I'm established in my recently designated favorite study/paper writing spot in the "quiet study room" on the 4th floor of the library, accompanied by my new favorite study tool: a plastic coffee cup filled with wine (Ironstone Shiraz 1999 tonight...I couldn't help getting it with the particular date...definitely a favorite year of mine :-D, and one of my most successful sadly enough...anyway wine enthusiast gave it an 86, and it really is good). It really helps eat away at the anxiety and help me focus; though the Early American Literature class this summer, in itself, really helped me get on the right track through the readings and writing I very faithfully completed with great effort. Very fitting, really, seeing the Emerson-inspired blog title.

The sun certainly shines today also, but it took some gazing at the lights of the past to motivate and inspire me. Spread out as the jewel-like stars in the night sky. Over the next few/many months/years I'm going back to the dimmest, yet most precious of these lights, which, at their core, harbor the brightest and more invigorating of all lights.

Music : The Concretes , I Love Math, Albert Hammond

Two in a row!!! ... Maybe the motivation will spread...

Good afternoon blog audience, or i guess I should say...Good afternoon Ryan Dell, since I'm the only one who actually read this thing lol. But regardless, I have had, well, not the best start to the day, but at this point there's a lot of room for improvement :-D. I DO need a miracle though...Quite tired, paper and power point to put together, and yeah i shouldn't have gone to the Wings Express indian buffet, it's made me so lethargic. But even if I don't feel motivated, I'm certainly not having a problem typing out words...i mean hey I was motivated to write in this, so it can't be that bad. And, I mean, the past few days I've written more than in a long time.

As I was starting on tonight, you know when I was getting pretty stressed and tired, I've been working on this theory about the universe giving you the tools to succeed when one decided to step into life and become and active part of it. Christians might call it God answering your plans or giving you aid to carry out His will. For me, I'm sure this is the product of my catholic background, some sort of need to feel powerful and in control, and just an overall need to tell myself something to feel better about my situation. Anyway, I guess there's some truth to it: the more you take part in life, interact with people and take part in various activities and hobbies, the more opportunities open up. Well back to work...if anything interesting happens :-/...yea...

Hello world...it's me again!

Can't say what it is, maybe I'm becoming more and more dull to it all, but it seems like I'm in a worse position than last year, yet feeling better about myself and my overall position in school and life. Honestly things are just the same, if not worse. Perhaps it was because last year I had such strong determination from the start to set things straight after my academic failures the semester and summer previous, and I guess I really did feel more motivated overall, and disappointed when things took a turn for the worst. I really think I am just getting comfortable with my situation, and dull to it's many flaws, so poor performance is less noticeable and more easily managed. Unfortunately, I'm feeling less than ever, and for some reason that translates pretty directly to time passing at blazing-fast speeds. I feel like from the get-go I was putting in significant effort, but that this was always accompanied by a passage of time too fast to keep track of. It doesn't feel so long since I had a handle on things, and I think a good deal of my problems right now revolve around just that point.
Anyway, now that i've gotten that random babel out of the way, I guess it's best to catch up from where I left off...Like I said earlier, I'm feeling less than ever: things that have always tended to excite my, make me nervous, invigorate me are useless to elicit their usual effects. I quite more hopeless in that category that ever before. That even includes my feelings towards Jess: right now I could honestly go either way as far as remaining with her or breaking up, and that's really a sad prospect, if not a progressive-minded one seeing as Jess seems very unstable at the moment as it is. My grandma died not far into the semester, and I'm sure that got in the way of me starting things off on the right foot...It was a real test of my current emotional state as well: I was pretty darn stoic throughout most of it and really didn't feel much at all, but when circumstances were intense enough to pierce that protective shell, it all poured out at once. Regardless, I never REALLY felt emotionally, logically much in regards to her death...I guess lack conscious awareness is the best way to characterize it. Even now, it tough for me to grasp and "feel" that she's dead.
I guess I'm just really good at building up protective barriers and diverting my negative energies into alternative outlets lately. One of the greater moments I experience this semester...I might have called it an important turning point in the days I held my life in great enough esteem to make a big deal of the happenings and positive changes...but to continue...the best moment recently was probably the valentine's day recovery I made after the great flop on the day of. Jess really surprised me this year: she never really does much, but this time around she made me chocolates...got me a really nice heart-felt card...and a, well kinda odd, but sweet book with quotes from older couples that have been together for 50 years or more...one of those inspirational little books at the end of the card isle at CVS. I guess she even got up early and parked on the grass, fighting through all the other last-minute-lovers to pull the package together lol. I mean, not to discount her, but she DID make chocolates for all her friends though, and was helped and motivated to do so by her aunt. So, I mean, having this as a center-piece really helped give her the push to pull together something special. Me, on the other hand, I guess I was still feeling a little let down from Christmas. We kinda agreed that we weren't getting each other anything, but that just didn't feel right: it had been so long since I had done something special and meaningful for jess that I couldn't help myself and got her a few things related to our then-great interests of watching pokemon episodes while drinking wine....and I made her a heart-felt card to go along with this poke-package.
I guess we DID agree we weren't doing anything for each other, but it saddened me that she didn't harbor the same desire to express herself...So I guess with valentine's day I felt we were even, and on a logical level so did she, but emotionally she wasn't ok with it, and made that pretty obvious the night of. Not that I didn't try initially...I DID set out the day of, uh skipping my classes :-/, looking for a large stuffed bear and, really I didn't even know what else to go along with it, though I had a few half-baked ideas. After this proved fruitless, however, I, frustrated, looked back upon Christmas with a somewhat of a feeling of validity for not having anything for her when all was said and done. We went out for a nice dinner at Little taste of texas, which turned out to be not so nice of a dinner seeing as everything we being served cold and after a substantial wait, despite the fact that few people were there. But anyway, she was quite temperamental through the whole thing, and fought to just go home afterward...alone...when we were supposed to see a movie together. But anyway, that was a thursday, and by next sunday I made it up to her by making her a nice heart-felt card...giving her a nice pen...and I can't remember what else lol but it was sufficient to cheer her up. In the card, or while writing it, I came to the revelation about, as I had put it, how very much I was being like the turtle and hedgehog, the two animals I like the best: the former in how I hide in my shell from all the displeasing things that are happening around me, which leaves me emotionally disconnected from my life and those closest to me, and the latter in how I'm quick to protect myself, or even fight back, when i feel threatened lol as anyone who has a hedgehog knows well of them.
So yea, to come full circle, that was a great revelation about myself, and should have been an important step in recovery so that I'm not sitting here, again, wondering how I've gotten myself in such a great academic tangle once again, why I feel more empty than ever, and how time seems to be passing faster than ever before. I can see how it happened, this semester, too. First, I get a 60 on my PNB exam...after going to every class, doing every reading, and studying and preparing for it. That led me to first, lose motivation to succeed in that class as best as possible, and to no longer participate in class since it seemed useless to do so. Physics I stopped attending rather rapidly, first because I'd been through the first couple weeks three times already, them because of the need to complete English readings, and finally because I was so far behind in the class itself to feel it was hopeless to attend. This last point centered mostly around not getting the homework done in time for the wednesday class, and not being prepared enough to attend the friday class and take the quiz....English...yeah...it was all about the readings and then not having completed the paper...that's all there is to that....I feel like when I was with it all, however, I was making some rather strong headway, participating often and at least finishing enough of the reading to know what was going on. The cognitive psych lab I've attended all along...mostly because I had to, especially because the group depended on me. It's really my strongest class right now, and I need to finish this final paper for it to wrap the whole thing up in a sturdy package...plus it's very directly connected to my major....so yeah...it's very very important, but nothing I can't do tonight...somehow...when i get the motivation and time stops leaking away....
Finally anthropology....I got an A+ on the midterm and the interesting professor left and was replaced by a more boring one who didn't know how to make much of his notes he left for her. And, in light of everything else (and by everything else I mean the second english paper) it didn't seem so important to attend to. Im just hoping the midterm isn't so bad and the material not so tough to memorize in the time I had, but I have high hopes that the A will stick :-)...just don't like that I let-down the same professor two semesters in a row...but I'm sure she's already over it lol. Not that I got much done the times I've skipped...just looked at shit I shouldn't and talked to larissa too much for the most part. Larissa is another important element of this semester...or at least she started off that way. Talking to her really gave me the person to vent to that I lacked the past couple years, which was great and, at time, has helped me to discover my "soul" once again: the unobstructed self through which important insights and positive feelings about life and what important steps to take within it comes from. Not to belittle her role in all that, but it wasn't real due to anything she's said, but more because of my own reflection expressed to her and through this the releasing of parts of my that have been trapped inside my candy-coated shell for far too long...but anyway time to get to work I suppose...once again it is getting late far more rapidly than I'd want to admit :-( and I've spent too much of this recapping not-so-recent happenings rather than really putting down what's now on my mind..about focus, and motivation, and fate and destiny...choosing to be a part of life and the tools it hands you when you do so....how you become a tiny vortex of change and progress when this happens...if only this was true, because God do i need it right now....more tomorrow hopefully...