As always, it has been a while since I have written in this thing, but it seems more that this has become a place to dance with my thoughts and embrace them during important moments in my life. I have now reach another, and I hope to make these blog entries rather regular from now on: going along with my resolution to establish daily goals. I really don't have too much more to say tonight i guess other than that. I must simply start make goals and carry them out to the best of my ability, and following with the theme of last time, free myself of desire. I have tried to do this lately by fully emptying out my mind when desire rushes in by a series of breating exercises; when I breath inward I imagine everything around me, alll of God's beautiful vibrations of divinity which constantly create everything, come into me and become a part of me, and when I breath out I image my sould and every piece and partical of me spread over all things. Tomorrow Jess and I are going to see The Waifs, a bluesy-folk band we both enjoy. And, well, my goals for tomorrow:

Physical

• Eat Correctly

Mental

• Read
• Write in this blog

Spiritual

• Pray!
• Be free of desire!!

Desire

One of the most important pieces of knowledge I have come across on my journey of life, or at least during the pivotal two major years of discovery of sophomore and junior years of college was something that I got off of a small day by day Zen wisdom calendar; which is that to completely rid oneself of desire is the Way. That was the quote for ash Wednesday that year, and it fit quite well, definitely God- driven, not that there is anything that isn’t. Well I always had a hard time putting into words exactly what being free of desire means, but always knew internally. Yesterday I came up with an explanation that seems to accurately fit what it means in full. “Desire,” as described here means the egotistical urges of the mind and body. Excluded from this concept of desire are the things that are necessary for life as well as the dreams coveted most deeply in one’s heart.

Today I am in Maine on Lake Thompson with my family, and in need of a place to vent my thoughts and cravings of the soul as of late, I find myself here. I have decided lately, well I believe the decision first originated toward the end of last semester, but faded away with the coming of finals, but yeah I have decided that from this point on I will adopt the practice of holding no concrete goals except those for the following day. I often find that complex plan for many days ahead of me become overwhelming and overburdening, and as well as ambiguous plans to exercise more or read more or pray more or so on are often never even initiated even a little. Therefore I will hold long-term goals loosely, and day by day reach them through accomplishing unscheduled but concrete goals for each day. Well now, that was quite a bit to get out at once. I have, however, decided that these goals should somewhat be arranged around a certain “hierarchy of needs,”’ if you will, including physical, mental, and spiritual developments. Which includes a necessary 3 hours of physical (including eating and hygiene, and exercise), 2 hours of mental activity (read, writing, contemplation), and one hour of spiritual (prayer and mediation). The goals are main points that I should concentrate on during the day, and not necessarily precise tasks to be carried out. So for tomorrow:

Physical

• Exercise
• Eat well

Mental

• Read The Prophet
• Read Scientific American
• Begin Outlining Two at a Time

Spiritual

• Pray!!!!

Just some thoughts

Well it has been a while since the last time I have written in this, but that's ok. It seems like I've been sooooo busy the past couple weeks. The week before last I had two exams and I got hardly any sleep, and then it seems like I spent the weekend after catching up on sleep and this entire week catching up on work. So again I didn't get enough sleep, much more than the week before, but surely not enough. I still soooo tired today even though Ive gotten a good amount of sleep this weekend. But yeah, busy weeks like that will take one's mind of the more important things, especially spiritual issues. I've been spending most of my free time looking up mp3 players cuz while helping jose look for a new one, i decided I myself could also use a new one for working out, biking and what-not. Plus i was also planning on selling my zen touch and using the money to buy a zen micro...lol...so yeah as u can see too much material things taking up my free time. But I guess I've had a very spirit-less couple weeks and I am due for some centering.
So some things I need to change: well first I need to put aside looking at all the silly things I hope to buy and spend more time praying, doing hw, playing banjo. That would definately help. Yeah I need to concentrate on getting more work done, starting with tonight, it's the only way I can start getting more sleep and end this cycle of being drained all the time. So this is it, as drained as I am right now, I will catch up for the sake of the rest of the week. This is especially important because I have exams in calculus and chemistry, and I'm not exactly doing wonderfully in either, bout mid 70's in chem and lower 80' in calc. But the past couple weekends were enjoyable. I went to a folk concert with the brother's four, kingston trio, and this other band that was real great. And it was sooo great because i was with my jessie and with jose. And this weekend I went to Peter Pan at the Bushnell with Jess cuz she got my tickets for Christmas. It was alright overall: enjoyable to be with jess, but the play was only ok with not too smooth of a story line. My favorite part of the evening was getting brickoven pizza at eleven at night and eating it with jess at my dorm lol...I LOVE FOOD!!!...Yeah one of my weaknesses I must admit, but not too bad of one I guess....Well yes that is another thing: I really need to start doing some more physical activity. If nothing else, this new mp3 player will motivate me to do so.
Last night was also enjoyable. I went to a John Scofield concert with Jess, Mike, his girlfriend sarah, Jose, Matt my "physics buddy" from before I dropped that course, and Toby who's a really great friend from high school. A few songs were putting me to sleep, but overall it wa a real great musical experience. All of us but jose went to Friendly's afterward, and yeah, remind me to never get the munchie mania platter again...too much money for a scant amount of food lol. Alright well i really must get going on the work....I hope this week isn't too tough on me.....

Metamorphosis

Well today was such a great day!! I feel so much like more like myself lately; all happy and loving life and cheerful towards everyone I meet. Definately cheered a few people up with my positive attitude today, especially this one van pick-up named Marion. She works in residential life, and housing sign-ups are going on this week, with all the unhappy and uncooperative students. Somehow my attitude brought her up and she patted me on the shoulder and thanked me before leaving the van. But yeah, in general I needed this week. I really only went to my calculus and psychology classes and skipped my lab, which kinda sucks because I need to make it up tomorrow, which I could do at 1, but I smartly decided to finish all my experiement participant pool credits this day. On top of that I probably will need this very same time to finish my essay, so yeah, definately should have planned things better. But such is my life. It's better that way sometimes thought, makes one think more as to how to get out, almost like I have set a puzzle for myself that I must work out, and not only that an important one with real meaning to my life. But however you want to look at it, I'm stuck with the psych experiments, for if I cancel now I can't do any at all. And I was told there is a master make-up lab at the end of the semester for chemistry, so that is nothing to worry about. So now to get to work on the essay.....
But really that is how I've been handling this week, nice and realistically and with a placid mind, just as I should. The days of panic to the point of paralysis, depression, frustration, and all these sorts of negative feelings are behind me...at least i hope so. This is a new start for me, where I return to the state of peace and joy I glimpsed and wrapped around myself junior year and the summer after. I hope to return to the innocence, the wisdom, the faith, the hope and the joy I held at this time. But then I was an enlightened worm, full of the knowledge of truth, but still crawling around in terms of my full potential of living it out. This past year and a half I have more of less laid dormant, and in my cocoon I was the only thing I could see, blocked off from the beauty of the existence around me. But now I have finally emerged, bright and beautiful and winged. And what exactly brought about this metamorphosis; why exactly did it happen now? Simply because it was time for it. I can choose whether to accept the change or reject it, and I have probably done the latter a few times already without entirely realizing it, but nothing I did, said, thought, felt, or desired brought it into being. These things happen exactly when they are meant to. So where before I crawled, I will now fly. Where before I was joyous and at peace with things, now I will be radiant with divine energy and with all be One. I will stumble in flight, get caught in webs, often of my own design. And I will need to feed upon the nectar of God, take it in consistently as a food, and this will take more work and attention to spirituality than I have held previously. This new state will not come without effort and trial on my part, but unlike the wormly existense, these things are not optional enhancements, but are now required for my very survival.

A subtle chain of countless rings
The next unto the farthest brings;
The eye reads omens where it goes,
And speaks all languages the rose;
And, striving to be man, the worm
Mounts through all the spires of form.
—Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Nature” (1836)

A Beginning

It has been a little while since I decided to start this thing, and this is my first real blog, but I'm pretty determined to consistently write in this as much as possible. The first entry was a quote from Emerson I found particularly inspiring on the day I made this thing. It's kinda ironic to use it actually, seeing that it goes against seeing the truth of things in the eyes of others rather than experiencing them first-hand, and by quoting him I'm am promoting the very thing he refutes. But it was quite appropriate anyway. This blog will be the dynamic account of my own experiences and insights. Yeah, I am hoping to make this a contemplative exercise so that for a moment each day I might sit and think of where I am in life, contemplate on it, and center on resolutions I hope to fulfill for my own person growth....So yeah, this is turning out a lot more formal than it should, probably because I rarely write anything exept for school.
But anyway, a little about myself...my name is Ryan and I am from Connecticut, and I go UConn. I have the most beautiful and wonderful and cutest and most cuddly and just overall the most gorgeous and perfect girlfriend in the ENTIRE WORLD!!!....Whom I will marry and ran off to Texas with and have a ton of children with....and we've been going out for over two years...2 years and 3 months on the 30th to be exact. She's a senior at East Catholic High School...where I went last year. I don't really know for sure what my major will be, nor do i have any real thoughts on a career, though major-wise I am considering cognitive science, an interdisciplinary mix of psychology, anthropology, math, linguistics, and philosophy dealing with the nature of the mind. Also, I work and insane 38 hours a week driving a handicap van around campus, although it isn't too bad since i can sit and do hw and relax when there aren't any "pick-ups." I am attempting to learn the banjo, though it's been a while since i have really practiced due to work and school...and of course I absolutely love any kind of music with the banjo in it!!!...especially folk music, which is my favorite with or without banjo, and anything by Bela Fleck. Plus i also enjoy the bands Guster and Josh Joplin Group, both being kinda alternative rock, though Josh Joplin cites his roots in folk music, and it is through him that i first got into this genre. And i HIGHLY recommend that everyone visit www.folkalley.com and check it out. I enjoy other bands as well...like Lifehouse, The Beatles, and other classic rock bands as well. I also have a sister named Jackie who is 14 and a freshman in High School, and my roommate is a guy named Mike whom I've "known" since i was three...our mothers and grandparents being friends and all.
So that's a little about me. It's kinda silly to put all this down since this blog is mostly for myself, and only partly for others to see and share my experiences with me, and hold them in comparison to their own, but it's a good enough start anyway for a personal assessment of what the main aspects of my life are right now, so that off of that I can start to contemplate how each aspect fits into God's plan for me, and by doing so see and make resolutions around the importance of each to me in my life in comparison to the others.

Our age is retrospective. It builds the sepulchres of the fathers. It writes biographies, histories, and criticism. The foregoing generations beheld God and nature face to face; we, through their eyes. Why should not we also enjoy an original relation to the universe? Why should not we have a poetry and philosophy of insight and not of tradition, and a religion by revelation to us, and not the history of theirs? Embosomed for a season in nature, whose floods of life stream around and through us, and invite us by the powers they supply, to action proportioned to nature, why should we grope among the dry bones of the past, or put the living generation into masquerade out of its faded wardrobe? The sun shines to-day also. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Nature